My first thought was: Awesome, man! And my next thought was: Shit!!
A few weeks ago, I had the great honor of being among the 100 women that Femina selects each year, as those who have inspired them in the past year. I was selected for writing the book “Silikonesjæl” which is a personal story from my own life and at the same time a debating book. For me, this is a big thing, and because the book is so personal, it also becomes vulnerable.
It doesn’t take many seconds before my old patterns and thoughts are activated and my inner critical thought shows up like a giant tsunami. In one moment pride, honor and joy have been substituted by:
Are you worthy of it at all?
Who do you really think you are?
There are many who are wiser, nicer, and more skilled than you!
Do you think YOU can live up to it?
When is it they find out you can’t do shit??
You’re too fat too (how the hell did that become part of the debate???!
It is also “just” a women’s magazine, so it’s nothing special!
Before I look around, I am in the midst of a discussion with myself about my own entitlement and dignity to the title of women’s magazine as one of the 100 most inspiring women in Denmark.
Striking, that it is all set in motion by praise, not criticism – but PRAISE!! Why don’t I just accept it? Being in the feeling of joy and enjoying being able to contribute??
Damn, I’ve been selected by a magazine that likes my book and that thinks I’m making a difference, it’s that simple! Fifteen years ago, it had knocked me down, led me straight into the fridge or into the diet pills. It had paralyzed me for at least a couple of days or a week, and the negative and judgmental voices had won. Fortunately, they don’t today!!
Today I stop, breathe and create peace in the mind and in the body. Then I tell myself that I AM worthy, that I AM good enough, and that I accept and love myself exactly as I AM; with EVERYTHING I am, the nice, the pretty and the ugly.
The feeling I am left with is humility. Humbled that my personal story and my book have been selected amongst many other books, to inspire others. And it is NOT my ego that speaks and wants to bask in recognition and feel important. Here it is my inner core and my heart that is humble and grateful to be able to contribute in a broader perspective.
I AM WORTHY
I AM GOOD ENOUGH
I LOVE AND ACCEPT ALL OF ME
I AM HUMBLE
I AM GREATFULL